ICSF Quotes List 2015

The ICSF Quotes List contains perfectly innocent things said by people in the library. From c. July 15 - July 17. Possibly with some leakage.

-Peter: "Why do you hate Linux?"


-Brendan: "None of my windows programs work on it."


Eliza: "That's what I do with my spare time, I play with my banana."


Henry: "Let's move on to website updation."


-Henry: "Carrot Shoes"


-Other Henry: "What type of carrot?"


Anurag: "I was born to hate Jews."


Sa: "I lost my spitroast and my cum."


Ksenia: "I cancel your level 4 card with "no free holes""


Ksenia: "A sandpaper collar for your penis."


Ed: "Everything in donut is Thor"


Ed: "Is that Matt Smith's butt? Rad! I think we caught a flash of balls there!"


Ksenia: "Are you turned on yet? Oh, you are - Cheers!"


[To the tune of Jingle Bells/Hark the Herald] : Terry Pratchett ??


Amelia: "I'm not the best person to ask about making feet hurt."


Anurag: "A very African man came up to me on the street."


Anurag: "There's no maths in Christianity."


Anurag: "Can you stop groping my undercarriage with your snake, please!"


Henry L: "That's not the point of a spike dick!"


Beth: "No more balls please!"


Anon: "Whenever I say someone is my friend, they immediately contradict me."


Henry: "It's like division with numbers" (on arithmancy)


Anurag: "I need those testicles"


Chris: "I would never describe being stabbed by Wolverine as acupuncture"


Unknown Author: "Ksenia Smells" (on a found slip of paper)


Anurag: "That's not a very impressive penis - I was expecting better things"


Diba: "He's not drunk. He's just white"


Ed: "I hate Firefly"


Sam: "I want to live in a world with dick jokes"


Ksenia: "I have her con-scent"


Ed: "Just a big D on the screen"


Chris: "I'm not hiring a prostitute for you that you don't know I've hired"


Alex Savell: "Gnrrh!"


Alex Savell: "He jumped in the gap at the back and I basically squirted out the side"


Sam: "Teledildonomics comes into it"


Trevor: "I don't want you to eat it, I want you to swallow it."


-Chris: "You should not play Russian Roulette with lettuce"


-Judith: "I am only eating the good bits"


-Chris: "Russian Roulettuce"


Ed: "The BBC does not broadcast midget porn"


Saad: "Is it kink-shaming if it's illegal?"


Beth: "It's like a domino effect but with more screaming"


Amelia: "What lemon of fruit is that?"


Noor: "Dodos are not dildos, Anurag!"


Hugh: "I think energy bars are a good substitute for stress"


Henry W: "People nailed my penguins to places"


Sanchit: "I want to be the angry colouring barbarian"


Ksenia: "Who needs viagra when you have magic?"


Hugh: "Henry? He's a privilege balance"


Luke: "'Touch' is such a strong word"


Ksenia: "I told him we should go to the library to study"


Peter: "I buvais everything"


Noor: "Hehehe, sausage is phallic imagery"


Henry D: "Are you marrying me to get the book?"


Ed: "No, not an animal penis rocket, an animal, penis, rocket -"


Jacob: "It's where you watch someone take a selfie and have a wank"


CAH: "Bees?"


Anurag: "You need the shaft to make it fly good"


Anurag: "One day you're going to get curry up your urethra"


Hugh: "I'm not putting a watermelon up my urethra"


Anurag: "If I was to do this... and then stick my hand up my arse, what would it mean to you?"


Ksenia: "Do Germans love? I have no idea."


Chris: "That was an impressive uteran cancer"


Henry W: "Dip the baby in the liquid nitrogen!"


Nadhrah: "It's fine only one of them has died. So far."


Henry W: "If you can remove the abs, you can fit in my penis"


Maciej: "Or think of your favourite name and call me that instead"


Henry W: "It doesn't pass the bchamel test"


-Dobbin: "I don't know about you guys, but when I die I definitely want a vibrator strapped to my ... place in my coffin"


-Ksenia: " What if it's an armadildo and it wakes up?"


Chris: "He's not threatened, because he's asleep"


Luke: "The universe is jerking us one way or another"


Henry L: "Yay drugs!"


David H: "Don't tell me I'm the only one here turned on by Donald Trump?"


Ksenia: "I'm still owed testosterone and a strap-on"


Anurag: "Who cares about puffins? All they do is puff"


Diba: "Wavelets are my fetish"


Hugh: "Anurag's hands are crispy because he burnt them, not because of the semen."


Hugh: "Farsi? Is that terrorist for terrorist?"


Anurag: "I'd rather you shove babies out of your arsehole than stick your dick in it."


Luke: "It's a good thing we have gravity otherwise when birds die they would just stay there"


Joseph: "I only approve of people going to Germany if they're going in Spitfires or Lancasters"


Anurag: "I'd gladly stick my hand up Rupert Murdoch's asshole"


Vin: "My hair would just pick up Thor's Hammer"


Henry W: "I don't really like war that much, though"


Anurag: "Hitler had good ideas"


Hugh: "Try killing yourself and becoming Hitler"


-Peter D: "You know what they say about guys with big dicks!"


-Ed: "Feet!"


Hugh: "Motorboat to salvation"


Saad: "I don't say that stuff anymore"


Anurag: "I heard something like that in the men's toilets"


Laura: "On the occasions where I don't hate men, I actually quite enjoy them"


Anurag: "I love how the bell end glows"


Jian: "I finally came! I hope you're proud of me!"


Amelia: "What if someone came up to you and asked if they could wank over you?"


Anurag: "Armenians just seem really suspicious, don't they?"


Noor: "So are you here without family? Yay!"


Anurag (to Pete): "I'm not going to give you consent to stick a bottle up my ass"


Anurag: "I don't understand the 5 second rule, because potatoes have been on the floor for a lot more than 5 seconds, and we still eat those"


Hugh: "Do you know how easy it is to falsify consent?"


Noor: "It wasn't full elbow sex, but it was a start"


Eve: "DO NOT DEEPTHROAT THE DINOSAUR"


-Qui-Gon Jinn: "Who was the father?"


-Dobbin: "Definitely not Watto"


Saad: "How had could the Holiday Special be?"


Chris: "I'd actually prefer the 'D' in"


Diba: "It's Artistic spunk though, so it's okay"


Anurag: "I'm curious to see how the interpret black people as animals"


Hugh Mulligan: "Dicks, Dicks, Dicks, why can't I get enough dicks in my mouth"


Anurag: "All babies are WMDs from the war between storks and bees"


Anurag: "So are we talking minced dick dumplings, or..?"


Ed: "Sheep are not intrinsically funnier than goats!!"


Noor: "What does Daddy's love do?"


Luke: "Please don't murder me for science"


All: "Serve the Gorgon"


Fake Henry: "After I've finished watching CBBC, time to go do my PhD"


Anurag, on 1995-1998: "I was chair of pooping back then"


Ben: "NOT gates don't see race"


Katherine: "If you get normal HIV, we're all good"


Henry: "Jayne is the true hero of *insert village here*"


Stephen: "How do you spell Syphilis?"


Anurag: "But PLANTS FEEL THINGS!!"


Noor: "I'm going to be 20 on my 20th!"


Peter: "I'm not a Swedish artist, but near enough"


Henry: "Why is my adaptor so big"


Noor: "Anurag, you're not black!"


Luke: "Nobody has fun in here. It's a Panda"


Hugh: "Noor's infested body was used to kill Amanda!"


Joseph:"Oh thanks God none of them are black"


Peter: "Twice? That's almost three times!"


Trevor: "Mephedrone silences babies"


Stephen: "The camera must have been inside her breast.."


Patrick: "Patent this!"


Tom: "How do you have time for that much child porn when you go to Imperial"


Chris: "Everybody wants to be a fucking minority; so annoying"


Vin: "It gets better-worse"


Vin: "Stop pelting me and get food!"


David: "Illegal, shmillegal"


Diba: "Cartoon bestial is the best kind of bestiality"


Tessa: "There are some smart non-atheists"


Sam: "It's like eating a child who was born without a brain"


Stephen: "Check Shatner's privilege. Check your future privilege"


Tessa: "Yeah but, I find it easier not to worry about that than to kill everyone else on the planet"


Daniel: "Goose liver pt solution: Kill them, feed them, resurrect them: Zombie goose liver pt!"


Hugh: "Oh no, 9/11!"


Hugh: "War profiteering may well be the most noble practice humanity has ever undertaken."


Noor: "I'm wondering how many times I can enter before they get suspicious"


-Peter: "Frankenstein goes whoring"


-Anurag: "Frankenstein gets syphilis"


-Stephen: "I don't think Mary Shelley thought of that!"


-Luke: "How long has this got left?"


-Peter: "What, the episode or my balls?"


Peter: "I'm trusted around 11-18 year olds. Probably younger but I've never tried it."


Anurag: "We should do more naked things in the library"


Dave C: "As long as it's meaty, muscly pseudo-cancer you can eat it."


Hugh: "I volunteer as Henry!"


Henry Wild: "Snuggling with Intentions"


Jian: "Why are black men so cool?"


Jian: "I finally came!"


Meowth: "Size really does matter"


Anurag: "I want to see if his crotch has a button"


Sam: "Effectively, its human prosciutto"


Anurag: "You can have FanFiction that isn't dick-in-train"


Robin: "It's about 20ft long, made of leather, and its whereabouts are unknown"


Henry: "Henry." (x6)


Noor: "In your face! Books of steel!"


Hugh: "The Blue Man Group speak through their actions. just like all terrorist groups!"


Hugh: "I was so embarrassed by my tiny penis that I decided to grow more"


Tom: "Order 66 has a worse kill rate than Dettol"


Unknown: "Dave C is a pimp, not a groomer"


Saad: "I don't want a pity quote"


Hugh: "I have a quote up about my tiny penis. Do you think I'm happy about that?"


Diba: "I secretly love abuse"


Hugh: "What about pussy?"


-Annina: "It's like nail varnish, but for fish"


-Stephen: "Fish varnish!"


-Noor: "Scale Varnish?"


-Stephen: "Oh my god. Why didn't I think of that?"


Diba: "That's it, I'm attracted to turkey now"


Diba: "No, I don't want anything to do with dog porn in the quotes list" ( ? ?? ?)


Annina: "How many licks does it take to get to the centre of a femur?"


Anurag: "Is my penis positively charged?"


-Hugh: "I'll never eat a snickers again"


-Stephen: "Why?"


-Hugh: "I had one like three years ago, and it was just disappointing"


Trevor: "We were in the minibus, so it could not get as X rated as we liked.


Clements: "Romance is not dead, but it smells a bit fishy"


Anurag: "Don't worry, probability means he'll probably get Ebola"


Noor: "It's the best film ever; and I know I say that a lot, but I MEAN IT THIS TIME"


Vin: "Why don't /you/ have fireworks modules?"


Annina: "If you ship two of your professors together is it called a scholarship?"


Diba: "Surprise coleslaw is the bets coleslaw"


Sam: ""I wanted to work in finance!" Well, you're Bulbasaur"


Tom: "Classism is okay when it's against the rich"


Patrick: "My butt can do anything"


Sam: "I may not be a geographer but I know how males behave"


Anurag: "Saad was right the whole time"


Anurag: "But you might want to have fun with the body"


Dave: "Have you ever *tried* my piss?"


Joseph: "Silence!"


Anurag: "Dick is not the same as pizza"


Anurag: "You're an old person and I'm Dignitas"


Anurag: "It's funny because it's not funny in any way"


Jonah: "We've solved racism guys; Good Job."


Tom: "Why are you reading Satan skin? Why is it out of its box?"


Hugh: "Have you ever jerked yourself off with a was of 20 notes"


Robbin: "Reddit is to time as Steam is to Money"


Henry G: "You see at first their penises were tiny but they've since absorbed the power of black men"


-Diba: "What am I doing?"


-Peter: "Shipping!"


-Diba: "What am I, UPS?"


Peter: "I'm sure all of Cruel Intentions was done with good intentions"


David: "It wasn't malicious, but he's set himself up perfectly for my breaking his neck"


Noor: "You've dripped on the minutes"


Stephen: ""Irish terrorism is fine" quoting Karri Sperring"


Noor: "Everything with vague justice"


Hugh+Anurag: "On a scale of 1-10; I would totally suck Jon Stewart's dick"


Peter: "I don't socialise with other classes"


Unknown: "A predestination paradox! Lovely!"


Anurag: "Surely he could just adapt a bigger anus"


Noor: "That's why I'm never going to Liverpool"


Ethel: "Is it nature, nurture, or is it just the internet?"


-Stephen: "We should just give Nolan the Nobel prize"


-Tom: "Noooooooooooooo-lan"


Mebdh: "Seven fracking hells! Emergency Ferrets!"


Robin: "I hate to be the bringer of bad bread"


Henry: "If you use high gamma radiation, you wouldn't need to flip the steak over"


Diba: "Casual necrophilia! But who am I to judge?"


Sam: "But the tentacle will be used at some point, right?"


Sam: "9/11 wasn't that bad"


Noor:"I'm older, therefore stupider than a five year old"


Trevor: "Get the chloroform!"


Sam: "That explains the phallic castle and elves"


Anurag: "I want more Moorcock! I'm not a sexual innuendo"


Peter: "Yay, I'm not brown!"


Anurag: "For fucks sake, I'm gonna have to stroke my arse now"


Anurag: "I'm just going to secrete over here"


Unknown: "Kill the cute things and eat them to absorb their cuteness"


Ed: "Oh, that's not a chicken, it's a planet"


Anurag: "I can't be a racist, I'm a race"


Noor: "I will punch people in the head with my enthusiasm"


The committee: "This is why all committee members carry cattle prods"


Noor: "When even is noon?"


Vin: "Henry! No more Nazi's!"


Vin: "Bomb them with their own colonel"


2013

Sam: "Which of its tentacles is its genitalia?"


Cameron: "You get the burglar mask, ill contact the fire officer; lets go break into Bristol!"


Cameron: "So cute. Hitler kitten is judging me harshly"


-Maciej: "For her, even Charley would seem nice"


-Cameron: "Oh God, poor person"


Liz (to Cameron): "You are not rabbit enemas!"


Cameron: "If any country in the world executed by eel enemas, I would obey all of the rules!"


Cameron: "What you need is a surgical trident"


Cameron: "I will not run the fornicating lollipop store!"


Helen: "All we need to do is make them associate the sound of screaming with sugar cubes"


Sam: "When a human and a lump of clay love each other very much..."


Amanda: "My mind is blown with sense"


-Cameron: "Gratuitous nudity"


-Xander: "Where?"


-Amanda: "In my flat"


Helen: "My productivity is not Yaks"


Cameron: "What's in the nuclear bomb? Cocaine!"


Cameron: "First, you have to have sex with the pig"


Ben: "I need to take my ears from to out this hoodie on"


Fluffy: "I should have totally got penis into that gap"


2013

Fluffy: "God has infinite testicles!"


-Henderson (Carrot of doom): "Sounds like something you'd buy with a knife and some Vaseline"


-Liz: "That's Peter's face"


Vin: "Actually"


Ben: "...Cameron is not the ceiling"


Cameron: "I can fix this"


Cameron: "It's a computer - its plug and play - you plug in a nuclear weapon and you get a genetic testing device."


Cameron: "I had nothing to do with the goat. It must have been Aberforth then."


Amanda: "And thus moustache-bird was born"


Cameron: "Kill your landlord with genocide"


Vin: "Ticket inspectors are Cylons!"


Ben: "Sometimes I just find myself covered in blood. Tasty, delicious blood..."


Cameron: "You must be over the age of consent or I will fuck you"


Ethel: "Who needs henna when you've got blood?"


Maciej: "Whips make everything more fun"


Going Postal: "Bugger the moral high ground!"


Rosie G: "Stop making the beanbag wiggle"


Joseph: "I'm very comfortable with discussing excrement"


Cameron: "I am generally sorry for introducing tentacles into this conversation"


Benedict: "And now we make the zombie children"


Benedict: "I will admit, in many wars, people do die"


Cameron: "Let me tell you Alex Cameron's secret knowledge... The jumbo jumbo knowledge"


Cameron: "I am not buying a Russian jet so I can use agent orange on Yorkshire"


Dr David Von Clemente: "Looks like we are groping towards some sort of climax"


Helen: "We can be cultured!.. like bacteria on a plate"


Lucy: "I don't want to fight Zam for her skull"


Maciej: "Talking about triple decapitations"


The Clangers: "Stay quiet and we will not gag you"


People: "Time vortices ~ this is why we can't have nice things"


Cameron: "Commence the stabbing"


Benedict: "Why are my trees escaping?"


-Cameron: "I do like a homicidal maniac once in a while"


-Vin: "What do you do with them, eat then"


Liz: "Ernst isn't more than usually tentacular"


Cameron: "I can see in the dark and my lips are pregnant. Yay!"


Mook: "By this point it was in my mouth, and it was a really bad day"


Lucy: "Yes, but that never stopped men having sex with sheep"


Chris: "Semi-Dave is library equipment therefore must be kept well oiled and serviced"


Jacob: "I didn't realise there was a genocide at the end of this book! I though it was a nice book!"


How: "Argh! Goats! They just don't like taking pictures with me!"


Mark (aka Sally): "Why won't the Cthulhu sex load? I need Cthulhu sex on my mobile!"


Liz: "It's been censored with cupcakes"


-Simon: "I was trying to do it one-handed"


-Tom: "Yeah, so was I"


-Simon: "No, you were doing it two handed and flailing"


--Chris: "Orgasmic?"


--Sonya: "The only response I can think of is that it's not long enough"


Robin: "It's not cheating ... it's Thursday!"


Dave: "Hok is built like a shit brick house"


Robin: "When you get pissed on a distance ... ****'s sake"


Dave: "This is Ruth, she is the reason I am here"


All (Including Ruth): ....


Zac (about Gor) "I approve of these books"

Peter: "I want it on record: I was not flirting with you [Joakim]"


Cameron: "A stage attraction around penises has formed"


-Jacob: "It's a strange conversation when vaginal mucus is involved"


-Rebecca: "You mean cervical"


-Jacob: "That's the bugger"


-Rebecca: "No it's not?"


Snorlax: "Sorry I'm being an idiot, Badgers and Sheep are different animals"


Cameron: "There are many horses that appeal to me." [10 minutes later] "I'm not thinking of autoerotic strangulation, I'm still thinking about horses"


Cameron: "I do not want giant cat porn"


Fluffy: "Peter, how many session he will it be before you screw me ... hard?"


Asha: "I've seen plenty of naked people"


Chandana: "Oh god! That's a dildo!"


Zac: "Please, kiss me, Peter! Kiss me! I long for the taste of your flesh!"


Wouter: "Cameron is not delicious and spreadable"


Fred: "I behave my nipples"


Gabriel: "Clearly I am the kind of person that was ruthless as a foetus"


Taiba: "If you're sitting on my beanbag, you play with me!"


Rebecca: "I don't remember when I broke my hymen. It was probably when I was little."


Alex: "I'm currently storing porn in Peter's hard drive, than you!"


Gabriel: "This is why I don't go to sleep - when I do, bad things happen."


Fluffy: "I don't want to know what's in Peter's sexual larder!"


Peter: "I have fluff in my mouth"


Tom: "I just saw it: instinct took over. I jumped on it, and I've been stuck here for two hours."


Von Clemence: "And I'd have a bigger mouth"


Sonja: "It's hard, even for me"


-Cameron: "I don't have a sexual larder, if anything it is in his cupboard!"


-Wouter: "I am the contents of the cuoboard!"


-Sonja: "What were you expecting me to do? Kill him with my thighs?"


Liz: "Did you not see why he can do with his hand?"


-Fluffy: "Jacob, your "little chigger" is your penis!"


-Jacob: "Can you look up "my little chigger"?"


Lucy: *sighs* "Cows don't lay eggs"


-Helen: (To Joseph) "Ethel just came in looking for you. You're alternating."


-Senior: "They are the same person!"


-Joseph: "Yes. We never exit in the same place at the same time."


Fluffy: "No spanking! Beat me to death, but no spanking"


Wouter: "It was such a good day until you people started talking"


Cameron: *reflecting on own plan* "It's not much of a prank. More Murder"


-Cameron: "I mean, there's that US senator who said that there should be no such thing as a Christian child."


-Joseph: "Cameron, that was a Richard Dawkins"


Joseph: "Do not batter him like a kitten he might get aroused."


Rebecca: "Well, apparently it does force erections"


Cameron: "Got a bit banged up .. and a branch fell on me"


Ethel: "I have a distinct taste for shit."


Fluffy: (Aiming for the point is moot) "The poot is moot"


Wouter: (Excitedly) "Oooh! We could melt cheese in this!"


Quotes list 2: Electric Boogaloo


Robin Bernett: "This is what happens when you come and I try to talk to you."


Wouter: "Sweet Vampire Penis"


Wouter: "I promise not to take my top off to predict the weather"


David McBride: "Using fingers often helps."


Joseph: "You need to be TRAINED to use he giant slab of meat."


Patrick: "What are the laws on necrophilia now days?


Dave: "Put your pen away now"


Fluffy: "Why do men have them?"


-Cameron: "My lecture was intended for third years..."


-All: "You are a third year!"


Semi-Dave: "What are you doing? Get your hands out of my pocket!"


Semi-Dave: "I think my dentist likes drilling people too much - it's a woman!"


Fluffy: "Peter is twitching beneath me... it's a disturbing feeling"


Semi-Dave: "I certainly did not get one over the armadillo!"


Lucy: "I've hit it repeatedly several times, and not just because I want to leave"


Rosanna: "I can't help it if he (Barry Manilow) comes out of my mouth.


Mark: "I feel it more with Allan"


-Alex: "RANT"


-Gabriel: "RANT"


Alban: "I'm the king of France big spender"


-David: "I'm being shelled by Cthulhu!? Matriculate this!"


-McBride: "I was begging the warden to let me stick my nuts in there!"


Lucy: "I thought I'd see about mounting Great A'Tuin"


Semi-Dave: "Poking is for women!"


-Robin: "You can't just misquote me!"


-Everyone: "Yes we can!"


Robin: "My hand! He's got my hand in an armpit grip!"


David: "Squeaking is more fun"


Chris: "Dave is himself a rape alarm"


Kath: "Where's the W in Torchwoo.. oh."


-Joseph: "...Chest-Bursting vampire baby!"


-Rosie: "Chest-Bursting? Whee do you think the womb is?"


Semi-Dave: "He swung around, sat on my knees, and did me form the front" (On Phil Jupitus)


Patrick: "Who's Dr Daniel Jackson?"


Benedict: "Can you taste the bitterness coming through?"


Rebecca: "Compelx functions are so simple!"


Benedict: "But that's cos I'm dumb, alright!"


Kath: "I'm so happy I have balls and a tail"


Rosanna: "I don't think icing would work. Penises are too savoury."


Joseph: "I stopped thinking a long time ago."


Gabriel: (To Benedict) "One of these days, I'm gonna have you strapped to a bed!"


-Lucy: "You did build a crane out of glue!"


-Joakim: "No! The pasta was load bearing!"


A.S. Chris: "If they can do it on Star Wars, then you can do it in here!"


Liz: "I can like the Ku-Klux-Klan"


Primrose: "I'm Alex Cameron! I don't fail!"


Rosanna: "I frequently put my penis on fish"


Mark: "It's very hard until you get near the edges"


Dave: "It's too late, I was going g down before you out your hands there"


Dave: "Respect the A-stock, its comfortable, warm and bouncy"


Christina: "I got my parents to email me dresses"


Dave: (Solemnly) "Watch out for stoats"


Rebecca: "Can you put that back Peter? I've had enough sodomy for a week."


Dave: "In the morning Tim scares me"


Dave: "I got my gran to take it in but was still too large"


Wouter: "Hello, I have your shoes"


Alex: "No one has problems with giving me one."


Rebecca: (About Dan) " Him limbs go places people's limbs shouldn't"


Rebecca: "The objective isn't tossing, it's making the longest piece of wood stand up for as long as possible."


Ali: "I had her legs in full kick for most of the time. I was comfortable, but she wasn't"


Wouter: "Life is about infinitely sharpened raisins"


Alex: "Christina's eyebrows are not balrogs"


-Jon: "Oh my god, it's gone down the back of my shirt!"


-Becca: "It's quite a relief when you lose 6 inches of it."


Serge: "We need cowboy costumes"


Jon: "If Sergey will play with me I would be in infinite heaven"


Becca: "I wen to sleep on Baz's head because the world was spinning around"


-Ivan: "Can you sneak that pen into a plane?"


-Ian: "Yes"


-Matt: "Can you sneak snakes into that pen?"


Becca: "Matty, are you aware that you have another hole?"


Ben: "You are now sitting on my egg"


Daniel: "Yay! We're in a complicated leg knot!"


-Jergei: "Quick! shout something inappropriate and that is a non-sequitur!"


-Male: "Dude, Tact-man would be the worst superhero ever!"


Becca: "Please don't read all the stupid things I said last week"


Scottish Dave: "A walrus's penis is certainly not trivial"


Alan: "there's not enough time, we barely have time to set up a religious cult"


Alan: "I like pigs' heads"


Becca: "I don't want rubbing"


Dave II: "You can be casting a fireball or something, then ogres appear and butt-fuck you"


Peter: "I think it's something to do with my tubes."


Becca: "I could never get past the wriggling stage"


-Kath: "What is Sergey doing to your box?"


-Larissa: "He's smelling it!"


Ali: "I would like to point out that I have never had a dead girl in my bathtub."


Alex: "Did you say "Lesbian Nude Gel"?"


Scottish Dave: "My mouth is a danger area for anyone trying to do it."


Scottish Dave: *regarding a man with a hat down his crotch* "It's absolutely disgusting - it should have been on his head"


Peter: "I'll write it on the bottom of Kai"


Becca: "Scratch that, I want Tai in a pink towel back"


Becca: (to Tim) "Your thingy is hiding in my hoody "


Adventure Dave: "My peak is minuscule"


Adventure Dave: "Have you seen my pump?"


Alex: "The last thing I shot, my little brother.."


Adventure Dave: "I ate BUTTER ICING from the SPOON last night, so I can't face it."


Peter: (to Tim) "You're slightly firmer than the beanbag"


Becca: "I would like to suggest that everyone in the future should keep their trousers off in the library"


John: (to Adam) "Please do not throw my nipples about."


Adventure Dave: "I was going to say something clever, but realised that I couldn't."


Becca: "Can you not tie me to Peter's crotch?"


Alban: "It was too thick - it was nearly an inch thick in the middle!"


Julie Harris: "But you whipped it out just for me! You're so kind to old ladies!"


Becca: "So much pigeon sex last year"


Timmy: "I don't get dressed for Alban."


Smithers: "And since Bob Forsyth was standing behind him, it was doubtless an experience that both parties enjoyed."


Peter: "Do you want Vicky propagating?"


Scottish Dave: "Either Matt is injective into Rebecca, or Rebecca is onto Matt.


Matt: "Either hole will do!"


Baz: "I can't imagine Alex managing anything!"


Ben: "Even Tim agrees that the pub is better than Games Workshop!"


Serge: "All I have to do is say anything and I'll go down."


Becca: "Peter, sit on me!"


Mark: "This sheep has herpes!"


Alan: "My legs are unhumpable!"


Scottish Dave: "Buffalo Buffalo Buffalo, Buffalo Buffalo Buffalo Buffalo" [Beanbag's note: based on the handwritten original list, all of the 'f's may have been 't's. This may be an improvement.]


Alban: "Phenols - lol!"


-Alban: "Is that a red knob in your mouse?"


-Smithers: "Actually, it's a nipple."


--Kath: "It works on Ben."


--Dave: "What, incest?"


Baz: "To be fair, you did make me bleed."


Becca: "Move it to the left a bit, oh yeah ... down ..."


Becca: "I generally get it stabbed in and wiggled, and it is painful and I hate it."


Scottish Dave: "I have nothing to deprive her of oxygen with!"


Alban: "It pops in and pops out again. It's really fun to press the little button, but it gets boring after a while."


Peter: "Even Sergey's fluid wasn't that enjoyable!"


Dave II: "It's scarier if Adam comes."


Owain: (to Alex) "You fake it better than I do."


Dave C: "You'll just have to wear special trousers then"


Matt: "Lives are trivial."


Steve: "I've just come from screaming children."


Dave II: "I though it was either an off-colour orange or an oddly spherical lemon."


Dave II: "I still think rhinoceroses should have a V"


Alex: "Max, you should be made up. I'm prepared to be if you are."


-Alex: "Dave Clements is a gold speedo"


-Peter: "It turns me on."


Alex: "I hope never to ask this again, but how long has that dinosaur had a car?"


Tiny Tom: "I ate some people, it was great."


-Alex: "How are you?"


-Smithers: "Coffee powered today!"


Owen: "I love naked Sergey."


Scottish Dave: (Regarding maths) "This is more interesting than talking about my sex life."


-Wouter: "Surely even Sergey noticed that."


-Sergei: "Noticed what?"


Wouter: "Oh, I can go home with you. I'd forgotten that I live with you."


Some random dude on the way to the sandwich shop: "But I think with your mum it'll go better my way."


Sergey: "He could be wearing absolutely no trousers as far as I'm concerned."


Alban: (Concerning Adam) "No, mine is bigger than his!"


Peter: "And what was in the thing that Robbie kept giving me .. it was really nice!"


Becca: "Oh! But I want Male!"


Dave II: "No one escapes to Lancashire!"


Becca: "You can sit behind me and watch."


Scottish Dave: "Every time I bend over it causes pain."


Becca: "Alex, you need oiling."


Peter: "Can I bounce on Tim?"


Owain: "It had me alternately laughing and squealing with glee for about an hour." *laughs* *squeals*


Becca: "Tim pulled me!"


Dave II: "That was not a euphemism"


Smithers: "All the porn I own is in here."


Alban: "I'm a massive penis, what?"


Christina: "Ooh! That is the colour of Alex's trousers!"


Alban: "I put my sock in the oven because it wasn't as dry as I thought it was."


Owain: "...Tim has a hypnotic crotch."


-Peter: "I do what to get hold of penises of the animal kingdom."


-Sergei: "All of then?"


Scottish Dave: (To Alban) "Hold still and I'll get the handcuffs out."


Peter: "I had an interesting experience with Sergey's dressing gown .. last night."


-Mark: "I bested 7 seconds!" [Beanbag's note: Someone scribbled "Poor Vicky!" alongside this quote.]


Peter: "I'm getting sucked by an elephant."


Chorus of Library-goers: "Elvis, not Elvish!"


Becca: "I am easily bought!"


-Munchkin Matt: *Phone ringing* "It could be God himself"


-Physics Ed: "He'll leave a voicemail."


Christina: "Crotches often come up in the library. So do penises."


Alex: "Ben and Steve will work for pimping."


Alban: "In other news, I burnt my underwear this morning."


Alban: (Regarding Kai) "I went squee when she gave it to me."


Dave (Scottish): "It makes me all floppy when I go there."


Owain: "I'm too short!"


Owain: "I just need to whack it in the opposite direction to the one it was whacked in earlier."


-Scottish Dave: "Who did what to whom?"


-Becca: "Adam found the switch that stops my legs from keeping my upright."


Adventure Dave: "The problem with Tory MP's is ... I can't stop thinking about Jeffry Archer."


-Becca: "Can we stop talking about Baz's penis?"


-Dave II: "No, it's fascinating!"


Owain: "Sexy Malcom-esque body.."


Smithers: "I choke on anything if I don't concentrate."


Becca: (to Scottish Dave) "You'd think I was sexy if I had a penis!"


Alban: (to Adventure Ed) "You're like a mole-rat! A NAKED mole-rat!"


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