WHJC - October 1985
Readers' Digest Guide to Exorcism
(page 8/9)

psi phi soc

"I have the report here," his fat hand patted the folder. "It details the nuclear explosion in the vicinity of the of the moon and it has been shown - one of our physicists at a London College - that is was due to one of the elastic balls unleashed on the surface if the earth. Eventually it absorbed so much energy, due to a meteor impact perhaps, that it disintegrated in a blast of fission." His jowls slid over one another as he smiled. "You see what this means - the power we have....."

The conservative smiled too, her eyes seemed to glow red in the dim light, her fingernails became claws. "The power...who needs -. And perhaps Victorian values are within our grasp," she made a motion with her hand, "and maybe, when the world learns of Britain's rebirth from the ashes, the Empire too."

exorcism picture

A Readers' Digest Guide to

Exorcism


Most modern experts agree that possession is definitely harmful, although it can sometimes result in weight loss.

Contrary to popular belief, the incidence of possession is not on the wane; one prominent American university calculated that in 1983 there were one hundred million cases of possession in California alone and very nearly as many in the rest of the world. Strangely New York does not seem to be a particularly demon infested area.

The University of Smallcreek Nevada obtained the above figures using the newly developed, highly sophisticated 'starcount' system implemented first on a Sinclair Spectrum and later on an advanced IBM AT computer (this later proved to be possessed).

The 'starcount' formula is powerful and infallible:-


Number of people in wider population = Number of possed 'stars' X Wider population Number of 'stars'

The advantage of 'starcount' over earlier statistical methods is that complete and accurate information on the sample group is available from the popular press, so the scientists don't have to interview lots of boring people.

Possession - Who is to Blame?

Surprisingly, there is no evidence at all to blame this scourge on the commies. Indeed, there is little doubt that possession existed even before the Warsaw Pact! Yes even before Ronald Reagan was born! (and we all know how long ago that was).

Traditionalists attribute possession to the Devil alias Satan aka Lucifer, sole autarch of Hell. Little is known of Hell except that it is a dictatorship with a very hot climate; unusually for such an important nation it does not receive military aid from either the USA or Russia (though there are some doubts about the Russians). Reference to the Encyclopedia Britannica has failed even to show what Hell's principal exports, language and population are, although it is generally agreed that the latter is very large indeed. Hell is not a member of the United Nations.

Many contemporary experts, however, regard possession as being symptomatic of a form of vitamin deficiency rather than the deliberate act of some malevolent intelligence. Supporters of this view point out that possession is obviously linked to obvious unhealth and malformation, eg. Dr. Ian Paisley. It was for this reason that MacDonalds recently published a series of leaflets detailing the contents of their hamburgers and stressing their essential beneficial aspects (as part of a meat free diet for instance) and vitamin content. It is NOT true that it was a response to Jane Fonda's claims that the burgers contain a high proportion of the potentially injurious substance plutonium oxide, and the comment that they were as safe as New York City water was unfortunate.

Possession in Britain Today

The 'starcount' group for Great Britain consisted entirely of politicians as most British media stars are now Californian by choice of residence (with all the demonic problems that entails) and our researchers felt that it would be disrespectful to use the other possible test group, the Royal Family.

The leader of each of the four major parties was examined:-

Margaret Thatcher (Conservative)
David Steel (Liberal)
Arthur Scargil (Labour)
David Owen (SDP)

As is clear from the sample, Britain, like California, has a severe possession problem. Perhaps this is why so many British media stars make their homes in California. One wonders when the politicians will make a similar move.

It should be noted that the 'starcount' method is accurate only to ± 5.1%, therefore while it is almost certain that Britain is not 100% possessed, there is an even chance that the possession rate is above 100%.

Exorcism

In view of the above it is unsurprising that two radically different schools of exorcism exist.

The traditionalists see their task as being to force a hostile possessing spirit out of the victims body. Their preferred tool is boredom. Religous TV programs, political broadcasts and repeats of Starsky and Hutch all prove useful in the good fight. It is thought that a major boredom offensive is planned on California this year to strike at the heart of possessed America.

Modern technology also has its part to play. "The invention of the VCR has been a great help to us," said one member of Dr. Billy Graham's elite 'God Squad'. "Boy you should see those suckers writhe when you play back 'Stars on Sunday' for the fourth time. It's almost as good as napalm."

If this first approach fails the exorcists' armory contains many more potent weapons for the relief of the suffering soul, such as racks, hammers, matches nad an interesting technique involving warm milk bottles and eyes. However, the modern civil rights movement has caused problems for today's exorcist, so a new method of psychological warfare is being developed. This new method does not drive out the possessing demon by the application of discomfort, but rather seeks to convince it that the occupied soul is crazy and therefore not worth the effort. This technique is known as cumulative postering and has been tested by the volunteer exorcists of a British University for a number of years. In theory it is possible to convince a demon that its host has gone mad and is hallucinating by presenting it with a totally absurd, such as propaganda posters placed every few feet of a major thoroughfare when just one would do the job. A side effect of cumulative postering is that no room is left for the propaganda posters of other demonically suspect groups. Cumulative postering is extremely expensive.

The modernists try to treat possession as a vitamin deficiency and prescribe esoteric exercise programmes (not to be confused with the fundamentalists exorcise programmes). These treatments do appear to work at least as well as the methods of the old school. The traditionalists, however, claim that this is because demons do inhabit the possessed soul, and find aerobics and MacDonalds hamburgers just as boring as any television choir service.

Condensed from an article in New Evangelist 1985