WHJC - October 1985
Felix
(page 7/9)

FELIX

SFSoc has been a regular contributor to the college magazine FELIX. Here are some of our articles from old FELIXES (or should that be FELICES?). Only the names have been changed to incriminate the innocent!!!


The SF sock committee sat around a burning copy of 'Dream Dancer' by Janet Morris.

"You get more warmth from a copy of 'Lucifer's Hammer'," muttered Jonathan Flint, the sock president.

"Yes, it's a thicker book," said Andrew, the sock librarian.

"You're telling me!" I retorted.

"It was on a just such a night as this," began mark jeffcock.

"Why doesn't your name have capital letters?" interrupted Steev Higgins, the sock magazine editor.

"Take heed to my tale, and eftsoons you shall learn", mark continued. Elsie, the secretary, went to look up eftsoons in a dictionary.

"It was on just such a night as this- "

"You've already said that," said Denis.

"I know godamit!" shrieked mark.

"Yah", quoted Steer.

"Alright, alright - it was on just such a night as this that ten of our Analogs disappeared through a transdimensional warp on a mission to track down the missing Fahrenheit 451 paperback."

Elsie returned with a thought: "Should we tell FELIX that we're showing the Film Fahrenheit 451 sometime in January?"

"Who's FELIX?" quipped Andrew in a feeble attempt at wit.

"I think this is getting needlessly messianic," said Denis.

Luckily Jonathan saw the naked hatred of "Hitch-hikers" quotes gleam in my eyes and I was forcibly restrained from battering Denis to death with a copy of 'Swords against Wizardry' by Fritz Leiber.

"Careful, that's one of the fantastic new books that's just been added to our already extensive range in the SF sock library, which is available at 1:00 pm in the lounge above Stan's bar every Friday," exclaimed Andrew, grinning because he had slipped in a piece of useful information before anyone could stop him.

"Can you remember what the others were?" I found myself saying.

"Yah," quoted Steev.

"Certainly," mark found himself saying.

"What are they?" I found somebody else saying.

"Well," intoned mark, "let me put it this way. If someone wrote a sequel to all of them simultaneously, he'd have to call it 'The Seven Footprints of the Electric Tiger Protected by the 4D Nets of the Naked Women from the Wings of the Strange Penguins of Titan Marked the End of Death of Earth Out Where the Fantastic Guardians of the Well-Currents Flew Rider III.'"

"Jesus!" said Denis, "It doesn't even mention space!"

"While we're on the subject of Father Christmas," Jonathan remarked, "what other films are we showing next year?"

"Well, as part of the Christmas celebrations we're going to show The Rocky Horror Picture Show in March," gestured Elsie expressively.

"And Santa Claus Conquers The Martians in February," interjected John, wondering why he hadn't said anything before now.

"Solace!" chanted mark, striking Denis on the head with a soup ladle.

"Ow," said Denis, failing to appreciate the reference.

"Ho ho ho" laughed Jonathan significantly.

Suddenly, the head of an axe broke through the door, pulled back, then struck again repeatedly, a maniacal figure gradually becoming visible through the hole.

"I told you we shouldn't meet in Southside," remarked Andrew when he saw the evilly grinning face. "It's Steve Marshall!"

"Yah," quoted Steev.

Here endeth the first chronicle of Kenneth Mann the inconvenient.

Psi Phi Soc

There were cries of disbelief around the auditorium. Several of the people gathered there rose to their feet in protest.

"I know," Doctor X shouted "that this perhaps sounds as if it contravenes the Law of Conservation of Mass Energy, but not so. The coefficient of restitution of the elastic is greater than 100% because it absorbs energy from the material it impacts with, even the very molecules of the air. Therefore the material is both extremely dangerous and extremely powerful."

The pandemonium had died down as the audience settled down again to this ludicrously named Doctor X. "Thus the Russians and the Americans must not be allowed to learn the secret of Prof. Paul Stark's discovery." His voice rose to a hysterical level. "And it is for this reason thet Triumph must be stopped using this elastic in their latest line of bras and pantyhose."

A slide illustrating the effect of the underwear on the young female form was shown. There was wild applause and cries of "Encore! Encore!"

Jonathan Wist




Psi Phi Soc

There were rumours; he had heard them, whispers across the sea. On the wind, over the land, through the electrified barbed-wire fences, past the weaponed dug-outs to the subterranean steel bunker where they ate. They had failed, the soundless words said. Doctor X swallowed and stared round the table. The others seemed not to hear. The secret was out though how he didn't know. What the two world powers would do with the elastic he couldn't say, but he and the others were no longer safe with the knowledge of Stark's discovery.

X felt a pain in his stomach. Indigestion? It intensified. Others were clutching their stomachs around the table. Poison? And then he realized the truth as he choked, throwing up blood across the table and screaming incoherently as the agony ripped through him. He exploded, intestines, stomach and liver bursting from his abdomen along with a small black ball. The others collapsed in shreds as the tiny balls, like children's power balls, exited from their stomachs and ricocheted around the room.

Victor Moony




There is growing evidence for the creationist's own brand of religion. We all know (don't we) that God created the Universe in all its Glory. But the Universe is infinitely complex and its course governed by chance. Thus God decides our fate with dice. As the whole of creation contains so many random variables the dice would have to be of an infinite number of sides - but with an infinite number of sides all of finite area the dice must be of infinite volume. So large that it could contain the universe, perhaps. Thus it is with a feeling of horror that I report that six stars, in two rows of three, have been observed at the edge of visibility in Aries.

Nature, Vol. 302




There comes a time in every man's (and woman's) life when he (or she) has to face up to certain undeniable truths. Fortunately, this time has, to me at least, not yet arrived, so here is a bulletin instead. A new SF magazine has come into existence and is British. It's called Extro and issue one is rather good. If it continues at that standard it'll be worth ordering. I have no information about the other new magazine Interzone. Have you ever wondered why biblical fundamentalists don't think the earth is flat? What is freemasonry all about? How does Nigel Calder persuade the BBC to film the scripts he sends them? Is it really true that a well programmed Kray One with feedback mechanisms would make a better Prime Minister than Margaret Thatcher? What are the Protocols of the Elders of Britain? Do you know what Merovigian means? All these questions are linked. I remember laughing yesterday but I can't remember what at. Does anyone think they can write funny bulletins for SF Soc? Do you think Gary Trudeau would accept the job? Yes question marks can be fun but when were they invented? Somebody call the AA: I'm about to have a breakdown.

RT Zinc & Hiriam Maxim

Naked, she ran, stumbling on the concrete. Blood spattered her torn skin. Her hair, drenched in sweat, stuck to her shoulders and back. Somewhere in the depths of the shadows, something moved, oily, slick. Desperately she sprinted across the neon-lit stone and ploughed through the glass double doors. Splinters and shards ripped through the air and danced across the floor. She slipped in her own blood, smashing her head on the marble. She crawled on, beneath the stark strip lighting, and eventually reached the double doors.

"Mech Eng 220?" she whispered, not daring to hope.

"Yes. Blade Runner is about to start."

A minute later, Hugh Southey, carefully avoiding the smeared tracks of blood, stepped up to the door, quietly smiling to himself.

This year's first film show will be Wargames on 8th October. See elsewhere for details. -Ed.