Synergy - June 1998
Firebrand - Leshya
(page 12/15)
And now, in place of our published program...
At the Library of Randomness


My name is Alexander Taylor, and until recently I considered myself a sane and sober person, not given to sudden outbursts of ranting. However, this has all changed and my picture of the universe has been forever altered by a fateful trip LOBSTERS into the darkest depths of a library more terrible than the fated halls of Miskatonic University. The voices, the voices, the hand, the Bob, the waist. the waste. A madness has been induced into the very core of my being HAMSTER. I can feel the darkness and madness closing in on me and so will try to recount all I can of my experiences before the end, so that others will not make the same mistakes. BUDGERIGARS ARSE BURGERS

strange thing

It all started when the library of science-fiction, fantasy and gothic horror at the Imperial College seemed too small. Of course it had not changed in size really RUBBER PLANT, but it seemed that way. I now realise that an unearthly force was making itself known. Something from ancient Kkm'ha'rmrhhaxlaxxzklyptziW had been resting under the carpet tiles of the room. The spillage of a "curry" from the union had triggered its awakening, combined with the effects of the Bobblings which had recently sprouted. Once awake its evil emanations PEDESTAL caused the walls to seem to press in on us, and it must have possessed the chairthing, who proposed the move to a new, larger premises. This was all in the plan of the entity, which knew that when the books and shelves were moved, it would be able to make an escape into our world once more.

Weeks later the new library had been set up, the books had been moved AAARRRRGGHH THE FOOT TOFFEE and everything seemed at ease, but the entity had moved itself to this new location and was preparing itself. It was on this night BIRDSEYE COD FILLETS that I felt a calling in my mind, as I rested in my room. The voice sounded as if it could only be emanating from a mouth that constantly dripped blood, mucus and unmentionable slobber of fifteen different varieties "I am Kralc'Bor of ancient Klem'ba'randabandaxxzklyptzitski" it said.

"Where?", I replied, in trepidation. I seemed rooted to the spot, unable to scream or run.

"Are you deaf?" came the reply, "I said Klem'ba'randabandaxxzklyptzitski"

I struggled with the pronunciation of this totally unnecessarily complex word, but to no avail. The voice continued, dribbling more mucus and another seven varieties of slobber,

"I have awoken, after an infinity in darkness, and I am hungry! 1 will live again! You will go to the library and open the book known as 'Whipper-boy of Gor' and read me pages 27-29."

"To summon you?" I asked, quaking and gibbering.

"No, Its just my favourite bit, that's all. After that you will open another book."

"Leather Clad Busty Bondage Queen of Gor'?", I queried.

"No, why?"
"lt's just a good one, that's all."
"Shut up foolish mortal!" it screeched, and its words slapped me in the face like a wet herring, "You will open a book you will find in the darkest corner of the library. You will know it, for it will be covered in pulsating, suppurating human flesh and inked in the juices of last weeks curry. You will go now, now, go!!!!!"

With that I seemed to be released KNUCKLES from its terrible power. Even as its voice faded, it seemed to me like the memory of some awful dream. Perhaps I had imagined it, I thought. No, its not possible, I am a sane and sober person and these things do not happen. I knew that I was not going mad, as I sprinted naked down the corridors of my hall of residence shouting "FISH, SALMON PASTE, FECK".

I could not control myself as I ran towards the Union and descended the stairs in the corner of the courtyard. Mist enshrouded the spires and gargoyles, which I could have sworn weren't ROOT VEGETABLES there the previous lunchtime. Deeper I descended AARDVARK into the deep depths of the deep dank dark... depths. The voice called to me again, at the edges of my consciousness. "I can feel you near, come closer, quicker, I need to live again!" Slowly, fighting my body with every step I stumbled through the doorway and saw before me a corridor, stretching out into a YORKSHIRE PUDDING darkness so deep that it was deeper than any other darknesses, even the really dark deep ones.

A sickly green light NETSCAPE CORE DUMP suddenly seemed to seep under a door further down the passage. The horror, the horror, it was too horrible. As I approached, the door swung open seeming to emit a ghastly, ghoulish, grim, ghostly groaning and what I saw SINGLE TRANSFERABLE VOTE within was enough to permanently unhinge the very fabric of my mind. The madness, the doom and terror, the panic, a million emotions came to mind PEANUTS, that threatened the limits of my thesaurus. What I saw was so indescribably horrid that I can't describe it. To try would be to shatter my remaining few sane hinged mental fabrics.

I was forced to walk into the room, BIG ISSUE SIR? into the very face of my deepest fears. Limbs, human limbs, crawling slobbering eyeless things which flopped and flubbered. And Bob.

"HAHAHAHAHAAH the power is flowing back into me. I can feel it swelling within me now. Step closer, open the book, read the passages of Thry'kan 'qwertyuiop."

I will write quicker now, as I can feel the madness pressing in on me once more. This is the end, beautiful friend. This is the end, my only friend the end. I can see clearly now the rain has gone. MIND THE GAP What was that, I heard a sound! Why am I writing this down anyway? There it was again, an awful creaking moaning squeaking, groaning living doll. It's coming up the stairs, I can hear it, its terrible feet are treading my own stairs! I will not live to recount the final stages of my story, so I will say this and this alone, as advice to those who would follow YELLOW BRICK ROAD in my footsteps.-

Do not, under any circumstances, read the above words, for the ancient evil of Klem'ba'randabandaxxzklyptzitski will begin to consume your very soul, leaving you naked before the presence of the Great Young Ones, who shall be known by the names of Vivian, Neil, and the other two that no one will be able to remember, for they are too terrible SPOO UG UG for the mind to fully grasp. If you have read my words, MEEP my only suggestion is that you immediately wrench your eyes from their sockets lest the sights I have described come to you too. While BRAKSPEARS BITTER you do this, and forever more, chant the following passage, for it contains the power of protection against the deep, dank, dark, damned depths of doom.

"Klaatu. Berata, Nikto. Use the force. Run, Luke, run. Damn it Jim, I'm a doctor not a cliche. And so it begins, there is a hole in your mind, nothings the same anymore, Commander Sinclair has been reassigned, What do you want, we are here to place Deputy President Clark under arrest. Hasta la Vista baby, extreme close up, yippy kiyay motherfucker, zooty zoot zoot, scorchio, oooh suits you sir, there are those that call me... Tim, this is my boom-stick, call down the dove from above, Dune, Arrakis, desert planet, I fart in your general direction, your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of Elder Gods. Open the pod bay doors please Hal, I am not a number, I am a free man."

Thrice ye shall repeat this, and the number of the repeating shall be three. Four shalt thou not repeat, neither shall thou repeat to two excepting whence thou proceedest to three. Five is right out.

I can feel the presence drawing closer, my mind is going RABBITS ASDFGHKJL,' I cannot stop writing, aarrrghsdgfiusefgiesuf my hand has a mind of its own, where's my c h a i n s a w . AAARGAGGGHHHGHAAGAGAGHHHH hiffsdsdfsdf This is the demon speaking l am controlling this story I control the horizontal I control the vertical wefoigweghwqw ttOuch that hurt, I'm back again nooidasfh no I'm going again asdfqwhkddxqertdh HAHAHAHAHAA 1 will never leave now I have control of his entire being Read these words and tremble foolish one for my demonic seeds are now lodged in your mind where they will grow come to fruition and swallow your soul.

AAAAARRRRGGGHH NO MORE NO MORE NO MORE, ITS TOO HORRIFIC, I will end this here and now, I am going to cut off both of my hands.



- Right that's quite enough of that, thank you.... - ed

(just hope Dave Langford appreciates it..)