NME 3 - 1982
Life Seemed Dull - Jonathan Flint
Reading Bug - Guy Riddihough
(page 13/19)
Nature Mocks Euphamisms

Life Seemed Dull

by Jonathan Flint

Dreaming seemed dull. Then a noise like thousands of space shuttles taking off ripped through my consciousness. So much for the dramatic beginning; it was only the clock-radio going off. They're always playing Buck's Fizz, I thought to myself as I climbed out of bed.

The lifesize wax-work model of myself stood at the end of the bed. Vaguely I wondered how it had got there Still, it didn't seem at all concerned about me so why should I worry about it? I edged past my rigid form and went into the Bathroom to make breakfast. "Oh good, a nine-thirty lecture this morning," I thought to myself while eating, "time to get the jolly old tube train."

Stamford Brook station is not the most inspiring place to write about, but when the train came it was clean, quiet, comfortable, and on time. "How amazing, maybe London Transport have improved things a bit," I thought to myself, "but no, probably it's just that I've jumped into a parallel plane of reality." I tried to make a mental note to ask my reality tutor about it but found that I had already made one.

Several species of giant termite occupied the seats opposite me in the carriage. They were all reading the Financial Times and didn't seem to want to talk. I ventured "How do you see your relationship to God?" by way of friendly chat. "We're just good friends," they replied, in tones of pantomime severity.

bug by Guy Riddihough

Imperial College London: centre of advanced technology and learning. "Gee Whizz," I thought, "aren't I a lucky boy then." I decided to go up and talk to Dr Reality immediately.

His door had the familiar slogan "Reality you can rely on". I knocked and his secretary answered. She was dressed only in equations. In their fundamental form they were barely enough to cover her decency. "She must live in constant fear of another unification," I thought, and made a mental note to study her in more detail in the future.

Dr Reality was just finishing a problem I had set him. He was just dotting the i's and crossing the h's.
"Hello Jonathan," he said, "can I help you?"
"Yes," I replied, "My District Line train was on time this morning."
"I see," said Dr Reality, "and you think the current model of reality has undergone primal collapse?"
"Yes," I said, getting the soda syphon out.
"The T.V. set is over there." he explained. The television exploded in a shower of incandescent sparks as soon as I sprayed it with soda-water. As the air cleared I noticed the distant smell of a freshly mowed lawn.
"Do you hear that" said Dr Reality. The cathedral collapsed before I could reply.
"Oh dear," I thought "These tutorials are getting dangerous."

As the workmen came in to repair the damage I decided I had had enough.
"O.K., same time next week then?" I hinted. The Doctor replied in Croatian.
"Bye bye, " I said in English and left through the airlock.