The Dream Twister - September 2003
Books of Prophecy - James P. Barrett
(page 6/14)

Books of Prophecy

James P. Barrett

In the history of the world there have been any number of books which have claimed to predict the future, from the Bible to the works of Michel de'Nostredamme, but, almost without exception, they serve only to predict the past, if indeed they serve to predict anything at all. As with all things which occur almost without exception, there are a small number of exceptions to this rule, (the small number in this case is not only a small number, but also a prime number, which is not, in fact, strictly relevant, since the application of prime numbers to the theory of divination is quite otherwise to this, but getting back to the matter at hand...) the number of truly functional books of prophecy which have ever been created during human history is three; and as is customary with true books of prophecy they were all three written under the direct inspiration of God almighty itself.

The authors didn't necessarily realise this of course, since the nature of divinatory books is that they must, perforce, predict not only some events in the future, but all events in the future, and any book with that concentration of information will necessarily appear to be simple random noise to the casual observer. The mechanism for storage in this most concentrated of data forms is, of course, the same principle which the almighty itself uses to store the structure of its own nearly infinite mentality, within the very finite energy structure of the so called background radiation. Modern research theologists, seeking information which can be read from the divine memory, have discovered the means and events through which each of these divinely inspired books came into being, and it is these tales of miracles and wonder that I shall here recount.

Miracles, of course, are the means through which the almighty always acts and modern theological research has revealed that, contrary to the beliefs of previous times, the most effective and productive of miracles are not those which have gone down in history. These are, more frequently than not, simply the occasional lettings off of steam that the almighty must perform in order to keep the miracle energy in the world directed away from the area in which it wishes a truly miraculous part of its divine plan to come to pass. Too much miracle energy passing through an area will proceed to drown out the small subtle influences which the divine needs to employ in order to realise its (now known to be quite effable) plan, so it must be diverted to other locations if a truly divinely inspired act must come to pass. It was during a period of great miraculous activity in the middle east (including burning bushes, the Nile turning to blood, staves becoming snakes, und so weiter) that far away in Wales The Lord inspired the first of these great books of prophecy. The miraculous event (as our sensor theologians have determined it) that precipitated the creation of this book was the unexpected hopping of a flea from a small hwg (an early form of pig most likely). It jumped and bit its master, a young student of the miraculous arts who went by the unlikely (and barely pronounceable) name of Llew Llaw Gyffes. Llew proceeded to become very ill and feverish over the next few days and screamed many strange words, whilst scratching at the floor with his feet. When finally many days later he recovered he felt inspired by the holy spirit (in this case the holy spirit may well have been mead, and thus not technically a spirit, since this was summer-time, and only freeze distillation had so far been invented) and went on to storm Gwynedd castle, and later to write a vastly inaccurate history of his own actions which was later incorporated into the great welsh work known as the Mabinogion; but none of that actually matters to our interest, which is instead focused upon the marks he scratched upon the floor whilst he was in his delirious states, which (although he did not know it) was a perfect series of characters in the Irish Ogham alphabet. A series of characters which (until they were disrupted by Llew's horse as it rode off) formed the first great work of prophecy ever created by human hand (or indeed, in this case, human foot).

The events leading up to the creation of the second great book of prophecy were put into effect during the reign of the Emperor Tiberius, at a time when the city of Pompeii was undergoing its annual elections for various positions of authority. At the same time in the province of Judea a man was transforming water into wine, fishes into... well fishes actually but more of them, and doing various other feats (such as walking on water, and the rather less documented but just as difficult feat of swimming in granite), which served to sink vast amounts of miraculous power away from the place in which the event was to occur... which was not in fact the city of Pompeii at all, but rather the small island of the coast of Nova Scotia which would in later years be known as Oak Island. In this case the almighty decided to work more subtly, and by slowly manipulating the tides managed to cause a small fishing expedition of Inuit fishermen to encounter a small fishing expedition of Basque fishermen, both of whom were too intent on fishing to ever consider what a shockingly impressive and "history making" event this was. During the evening part way through their fishing expedition the two boats both docked upon the island, where they, together, built a single camp-fire on which to cook their food (it is a mild historical note that the Basque fishermen had, on this trip accidentally brought a small number of acorns with them, which fell and took root on the fertile soil of the island). After the meal had finished the two groups slept on the island before each going their separate ways. It was approximately nine months later that one of the Inuit women who had been on the expedition gave birth to a baby girl of mixed heritage... a baby girl which lived for no less than two whole weeks before dying from some infection which had begun to affect the tribe ever since their meeting with the Basques. Two years later another tribe of Inuit discovered the corpse of the last member of the tribe dead from a mysterious disease brought across the sea, and slumped over a large whalebone upon which was carved a curious pictographic representation of the tribe's misfortune. It just so happens that the ratios of the side lengths of the strokes on all of these pictograms when interpreted in Unicode spelt out the "Second Great Book of Prophecy" in Sanskrit. No one knew this, and the whalebone was dumped into the ocean together with the corpses of the tribe.

Many theologians of the time noticed the unprecedented rise in miraculous events such as the drinking of milk by statues, the appearance of famous personalities (especially Mr. Elvis Presely) in corn-based snacks, and a variety of other similar activities throughout South America and Asia during the late twentieth century. The purpose of these events was to shroud Europe (particularly England) from miraculous interference, whilst the almighty began the construction of the Last Book of Prophecy - the only one to survive into the modern age.

The title of this great and mighty book, as all must by now be aware, is "Collected Correspondences 1999-2000 vol. iii", a slim volume published by the train company Connex Southeast containing (supposedly) the correspondence sent to them during this period by Mr. Samuel Johnston of Burbington, Herts. who wished to complain "in the strongest terms possible" as he put it, about the colour of the ticket machines in Connex Southeast's stations through his area. Connex Southeast had made no great pains to point out to Mr. Johnston that a) Connex Southeast's rail franchise did not cover his area, and b) that Connex Southeast was a train operator and did not, in point of fact, operate stations at all; instead they simply filed his letters away on their computer system, employing a young man named Bub Mannsworth to pass them through the "Optical Character Recognition" system of their computer database, and check that the datafiles thus produced agreed with the original letters contents. This was a job that Bub, being divinely inspired by the appearance of a young lady outside his window, manifestly failed to complete. The portion which he failed to complete was the checking, the scanning (which was performed by a computer program which had been written in 1997 by Mr. Greg Laurens of Angel Falls who during his coding was for no reason that he could quite explain had been motivated to write a slightly different algorithm than he originally intended, one which would produce pages of gibberish under very specific circumstances) he completed splendidly. Many years later it was Bub, still working in his same job, who printed out the various datafiles and compiled them into volumes of printed text for the perusal of the courts who were investigating charges of criminal incompetence against Connex Southeast. Again, under divine inspiration (this time a sudden sense of boredom brought about by the hypnotic patterns of the wallpaper) Bub failed to check the contents of the volumes after they were produced, and so failed to notice that vol. iii appeared to contain nothing by twenty three paragraphs of two hundred and sixty six characters each, all of which appeared to be in Hebrew. The court was not pleased. But the Almighty was.