Christmas Trip

Destination:

Report: 

Participants:
 
Adam “head dry” Brown
Josh Lee
Millie "Stop fisting my camembert" Tsang
Mo “Cause I’m Moppy” Unmann
Parahousers
Patrick “Don’t remember your name” Sterling
Sarah “Wet Dream” Woolley
Tim Bliim
Yuri “Two Face” Merla
 
The club leaves the union at 6:20. Probably a first for the club. And probably because only 7 people were taking the minibus, as Josh and Patrick meet us later on. Yuri decides to leave the decision of whether to come on the trip to a coin toss. 2 coin tosses. Which both said not to come. And then came anyway.
The minibus takes on a new light as a luxurious travel vehicle with plenty of space. Despite the large amount of space, Millie decides to sit next right next to Adam, proving her inability to resist her Tshark instincts. The bus bosses it to Wales in no time, whilst picking up extra wood, to mitigate Josh’s animal urges.
After having Patrick make up names for everyone, the club goes to sleep. The club wakes up relatively early (with Sarah exclaiming loudly that she’d just had a wet dream when Para wakes her up) and leaves the Hut at around 10:30 (another first). The lack of sausages have disgruntled absolutely no one, whilst reducing faff.
After Patrick regales us of great tales of “last weekend” paddling the Afon Seiont with his gf, the club paddles the Afon Seiont for the first time, deciding that Grade 2+ to 3 sounds awesome. The first major rapid is cause for concern, requiring a fairly narrow line on the far left (but not so bad to stay on) in order to avoid a nasty hole that pushes you into a tree. After the tree are a series of small drops, with Mo and Patrick waiting at the end to rescue anybody. Most get through relatively uneventfully, with a couple of swims (Tom and Adam) happening when eddying out (lool fresher) or at the drops afterwards. Millie decides that left line is too bimbly and decides to bimble further right, straight into a hole that promptly pushes her into a tree and underwater. Being the last person to the rapid in her group and going over right at the start of the rapid, there would be no one to help her up for the next 50m. She decides that a T-rescue is still the best option. The bedrocks that massage her face say otherwise and she swims (after quite a while, fair play).
The club splits into 2 groups, (Adam, Sarah, Mo, Para, Joash and Patrick, Yuri, Tim, Millie) and paddles around 5-6km, going through numerous weirs, drops and longer rapids. Adam manages some pretty spectacular head dry swims by popping his deck before going over fully over some of these features. A really fun river in fact. Para leads for a bit, and comes up to a river wide death weir, with around 1m of towback and says nope. The team eddies out on river right, whilst Mo inspects the weir and also says nope. The team ferries to river left, for an easier portage. Adam drops an edge and insta swims, whilst the rest of the group simultaneously craps themselves. Adam safely reaches the river right banks. The rest of the group portages on left hand banks and loses sight of Adam. After seeing that Adam had gone for a bit of a walk, the group searches for him in the hills, valleys and bogs. The group still can’t find Adam after a while. Mo and Para decide to take an extra deck and paddle down to find Adam’s boat leaving Sarah and Josh to be picked up by Patrick’s group later.
They spot Adam walking amongst the trees, heroically trying to find his boat, and spot the boat eddied out safely. Mo and Para tell Adam to head back to Sarah and Joash. Para puts the spare deck on the boat to prevent further water entering and Mo cowtails it, leading it down the river. He tells Para “Don’t fucking swim”, as a feature approaches. Mo inspects this feature and frantically signals river left. The problem being that there was a tree blocking river left, requiring a ferry out to the middle and back to the left, in quite fast moving water.
Para doesn’t manage this “complex” manoeuvre and is 1m away from the tongue, sideways. He goes straight into a hole sideways. After being stuck for a couple of seconds, he rolls up, straight into a tree.  He decides to let go of his paddle, push away from the tree and hand paddle down to grab the paddles back. It doesn’t happen like this, and instead, he lets go of his paddles, capsizes and after a few handrolls and other bankside roll attempts, he swims, losing the Werners and the boat.
Mo manages some river ninjaness and prepares a double cowtail on the fly and saves both Adam’s and Para’s boat. Soon after the castle take out approaches and the team is picked up, as Para cries in shame.
The club has a delicious Christmas dinner (El Presidente has Channa Mosala), prepared lovingly by Sarah and Millie whilst playing ring of fire, with a few additional rules including 8 = Bust a mo-pun, and 9 (?) = truth or dare, (mostly just karaoke). Mo proves that he has a place in fame alongside stars like Pharrell with his beautiful, but melancholy (definite Mo-pun here) rendition of “Happy”.
The second day is significantly less eventful, with Sarah and Millie posing for Tom’s sketchbook. The rest of the club paddles the Lower Conway, quickly and very uneventfully. Adam only has a couple of swims, even staying upright in the hardest sections. The Club finishes the river at 2pm and heads to Llangollen to apologise for not paddling the Dee and also to eat at Salami Garden.[PN1]
After saying goodbyes, the club heads back to London, happy with the sufficient carnage and faff.

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