Wales Early February 2003

From ICCC

It was a dark and stormy night. The wind howled though the rigging and the waves lashed against the hull. The captain came up onto the deck and he said "Crew, crew, gather round crew. I want to tell you a story". And it went something like this:

Despite a supreme effort by Rob to lose the minibus keys, and various people being late, we were packed and ready to leave college by 7.30pm. Jon was promptly despatched to do the shopping, his car laden down with some German lovelies, Harry, and the club's 2 new toys (a Dagger Outlaw and an InaZone 232).

The rest of us pootled over to Paddington to pick up some boats from the other stores, though a slight lack of communication left us one sensible boat short, meaning someone would have to paddle the Session all weekend. Rob decided he'd had enough of driving, and handed over to Derek who seemed to be under the impression that Praed Street was actually a dual carriageway. Luckily all the oncoming traffic was smaller than us and didn't get in our way.

Failure to purchase a supersize bottle of White Lightning meant an uneventful journey as far as Warwick, though Hugh was disappointed to be thoroughly beaten at "Lord of the Rings" top trumps. The services shop had wide selection of quality porn magazines and a special offer on Cadbury's Creme eggs - what more could you want? Back in the bus, the "How many chocolate eggs can you fit in your mouth?" competition was resurrected, with an additional rule that you weren't allowed to crush the eggs in order to fit more in. All competitors performed well, even Rob managing four (though he couldn't quite close his mouth). Once this delightful spectacle was over, it was time for some "guess the missing word" porn storytelling from Catherine and Rob. Needless to say, the level of the conversation plummeted rapidly. This was not helped by Asa getting a phone call from Kathy to check if it was ok for her to share his bed with another woman. Plans were made for a Canoe Club naked calendar (featuring thistles, BCU certificates and pancakes amongst other things), and Catherine's rapid-fire orgasmic dirty laugh was revealed (how had we never noticed it before?).

We arrived at the hut at around 1.30am, with those who had been asleep being rapidly awoken by Hugh's efforts to descend down the hill with minimal use of the brakes. Drinking then recommenced, with cider bizarrely being the popular choice, along with the usual argument about what to run. Theo was pushing hard for running the Fairy Glen, but we managed in the end to settle on a compromise of running the upper/middle Conwy on Saturday combined with scouting the Fairy Glen with a view to some mad people running it on Sunday. By 3 everybody had started to drift to bed, and even Rob made it upstairs to sleep for once.

The follow morning we were woken by the delicious smell of frying bacon at 8.30am. Jon took the scout party off to clamber around the Fairy Glen, while the rest of us had a more leisurely brekkie including quality sausages before heading off to Betws y Coed. The guy at Cotswolds let us sign on, but only if we promised to not paddle if we could see the red bit on the guage. Unfortunately it was so low that you could see not only the red bit but also the actual bottom of the gauge at Ysbty Ifan, so we made a quick u-turn and headed back to the Aberglaslyn.

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The top bit of the Aberglaslyn down from the lake was as interesting as usual, though Sonja decided to liven things up with a quick swim near the end. Peter, Sonja and Catherine got out by the layby, leaving everyone else to run the Gorge. Our first run down would have been a completely clean one had we not been let down by Rob. He took a swim from the Session, and even portaged the Breaker. Apparently his efforts to roll up weren't helped by Alice, who insisted on barging the front of her boat into him every time he got his head above the water. Spurred on by their lack of swims, Alice and Ruth decided to be hardcore and join in the second run. This was possibly a mistake, as they caused absolute mayhem. Both capsized in the pool just above the Breaker, and while Alice had the sense to bail immediately (enabling her to walk to the side with her boat), Ruth made a couple of flailed roll attempts and ended up running the left-hand line, separating from her boat on the lip of the drop and splatting on a big rock halfway down. Nice. Now back in her boat, Alice decided to follow Ruth's line and run down the left, doing a lovely rock-spin at the top, but mysteriously remaining upright throughout. Needless to say this was all recorded on video for general amusement.

Not even Tim could be bothered to go for a third run, so we headed back to the hut via the Tanronnen Inn in Beddgelert. An advance party was sent ahead to cook and buy more alcohol, so when everyone else arrived at the hut they were greeted with a roaring fire, tortilla chip and dips, and a delicious chilli cooked by Theo. After dinner, Ruth slipped off for a sly power-nap thus avoiding Circle of Death, but was woken up when the ladder fun kicked off. Hut virgins Peter and Sonja acquitted themselves excellently, with Sonja displaying particular skill (don't think any of the girls have managed the ladder unaided for a while). Then Peter decided to show off his impressive upper body strength, balancing one-handed on the bench, which Rob tried (unsuccessfully) to match.

Then it was time for the Naked Steeplechase. The girls said they'd consider participating if all the lads did, and though they were let down by some Kiwi wusses, a record 8 guys took part. This resulted in complete carnage as they all tried to squeeze through the hatch at the same time, and got stuck. Theo eventually decided to come back down the ladder (perhaps something to do with having a semi-naked Rob pressed against his back), releasing the log-jam. Meanwhile, Asa had taken an early lead, mysteriously escaping from the pack, and descending the pole at record speed.

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Unfortunately a rude sharp rock was waiting for him at the bottom. Undeterred by the large gash in his foot, our hero continued, and would have won conclusively had it not been for the front door being locked on his return, which held him up and led to a tied finish between him, Rob and Peter. Theo managed to drop his t-shirt in some bleach (cleaning fluids? in the hut? where did they come from?), giving it a nice "tie-dye" effect, and spent the next half hour futilely trying to wash the marks out.

While Catherine, Asa and Ruth retired to the poke room for some doctor and nurse loving, everyone else returned to the drinking, and a new game was born - "Death by Porn". This involved spreading a pack of cards over a porn mag centrefold, and taking it in turns to pick up a card. Drinking penalties were awarded for uncovering naughty bits: 1 finger for a nipple, and for an orifice as many fingers as was deemed could be fitted in it. We'd finished most of the civilised drinks by this point, leaving the option of some dodgy scrumpy or vodka and coke. Most people opted for the latter, so Theo decided to make it his mission to drink like only a proper West Country yokel can, finishing most of the 2-litre cider bottle on his own. As the "What shall we paddle tomorrow?" mass debate surfaced again, there was a mass exodus to bed. We eventually convinced a now quite fuddled Theo that running the Colwyn and walking the shuttle before breakfast wasn't a realistic proposal, and decided that the main river for Sunday would be the Eden. Rob, also somewhat the worse for wear, took it upon himself to write an entry in the hut book at 3am, commenting that we had "paddled rivers of water". Even the stragglers headed to bed soon after this, with Ruth discovering that Theo's bleached, soggy t-shirt had been carefully placed in her sleeping bag.

Nick cooked breakfast again on Sunday (what an asset he is to the club!), at about 9. No-one had got up early to paddle anything, which surprised only Theo. Lots of people looked like they were feeling the effects of the night before. Once more Jon's car was dispatched with an advance party, this time to take Asa to get his foot stitched up. The rest of us swiftly cleared up the hut then headed off to Coed y Brenin. Sadly the previous evening's torrential rain had been very localised, so the Eden was on proper rocky ditch status. I paddled with Rob, Sonja, Nick and Derek, and I don't think anyone was having their best ever day on the river. Sonja seemed to be magnetically attracted to the multitude of rocks, and abandoned paddling after about 20 minutes. Rob was ridiculously hungover. Nick was paddling the Dominatrix, which kept filling up with water - a quick inspection revealed a 10 cm split in the hull. Still, we paddled down to the confluence with only one rest/cigarette stop, and without too much drama, and the gorge section was alright I suppose.

The final fall on the Mawddach was paddled and enjoyed by everyone except Jon (scared by the Session) and Rob (dashed off to pick up Sonja). Ruth discovered that her boat was quite hard to roll when full of water after muppetishly forgetting to replace the drain-bung before running the drop. Peter, who despite having never been on a river before the weekend seemed to be shaping up to be some whitewater wunderkind, ran the drop twice, though he swam the second time. He was eventually rescued by a thoroughly on-form Alice (who now wishes only to be addressed as "River Goddess"). Public toilet falls was run without incident, which I think disappointed Tim who was enjoying compiling a swim chart.

Elaborate plans dreamed up the night before about running the Upper Mawddach were abandoned, mainly cos Rob had a headache, so we all got changed swiftly and headed off for an early dinner in the chippie in Welshpool. We were joined there by Catherine and Asa who had apparently had much fun in Porthmadog, combining an A&E visit with a 3-course lunch and some sunbathing at a railway station.

An uneventful drive home saw us back in London just after last orders. Cheers to all involved for a great weekend, and congratulations to Asa for achieving such an impressive drinking injury :-)

Muppet	Muppetry Committed (pts)	Trip Total
Babe Ruth	Swims (9), Handrolls (2), Drainbung muppetry (1)	12
Rob	Swim (3), Rolls (4), Breaker Portage (1)	8
Rob de Niro	Swim (3), Rolls (4), Breaker Portage (1)	8
Red Sonja	Rescues (4), Swim (3)	7
Peter Pan	Swim (3), Roll (2)	5
Alice in Wonderland	Swim (6) (-2 for one stylish self rescue)	4
Jon Bon Jovi	Being scared of C1 (2), Rescue (2)	4
Asa Spades	General Stupidity (4)	4
Luke Skywalker	Rolls (3)	3
Nasty Nick	Breaking (in) the Dominatrix (3)	3
Theodore (Chipmunks)	Rolls (2)	2
Dirk Diggler	Rolls (2)	2
Tim Nice-but-Dim	Being scared of C1 (1)	1
Harry Potter	Rock bashing & comedy look of pain (1)	1
Hugh Grant	Perfection - save for the driving...
Catherine Zeta-Jones	Sensible - impressive!