After the abysmal performance in the preseason friendly against UCL, the Men’s 2s regrouped and approached their first competitive match of the season in a whole new light.
Roehampton University’s Men’s 1s provided the opposition who joined this league from the one above after being relegated last season. Arguably this made them the team to beat if we were to push for promotion. The short trip from South Kensington to Roehampton’s home pitch at the Bank of England Sports Ground would have been smooth sailing, if it were not for Yellow Bag’s inability to follow basic directions around Hammersmith Roundabout and some hilarious driving advice from B. Man Briggs.
Armed with a new defensive strategy and formation and two new additions to the side -Fresher Oli and a guest appearance by Teabag of the Men’s 3rd Team – we started the game briskly. Some weaving runs on the right by Dirty Whaler culminated in a extremely arrogant aerial ball down the line to Fresher Danny who shimmied past the Roehampton left-back and proceeded to hit the ball across the circle to Strap-on who was waiting to tap it into the open goal.
1-0 up and looking solid at the back, our new defensive press allowed us to get all our players behind the ball and force Roehampton’s heads down. After a while they started dribbling up their own arses and we were able to break their attacks down one by one before they even made it to our shooting circle.
Twenty minutes into the first half saw Roehampton somehow manufacture a three-on-one attacking move at the half way line and as they started to break towards our goal it was looking like we were certain to concede. Luckily however our last defender was Tinkerbell who deftly stole the ball from the three of them as the Roehampton striker was about to pull the trigger.
Between our two centre-backs Ünterbrøw and Tinkerbell and some assured ball distribution by holding midfielder Yellow Bag we constantly threatened their circle. After a shot was blocked on the goal-line by a Roehampton foot we were awarded a penalty flick. Up stepped Yellow Bag who eyed up the bottom left hand corner, got confused as to where he wanted to put the ball and ended up firing straight down the middle. Thankfully the Roehampton goalie had decided to dive and padded the ball down and into the goal, making it 2-0. For this ridiculous penalty flick he deservedly received the Twat of the Match award.
We went in at half time having probably played the best half of hockey ever. Our goalie James had not even had to face a single shot at goal all half and B. Man Briggs’ team talk ensured that our feet were still on the ground.
We weren’t quite finished toying with Roehampton. Their frustration was clearly beginning to show as attack after attack was being crisply cleaned up by our team. Each time the ball was recycled, we switched from defense to offense very quickly, and through the sterling effort of our new left-back Soggy Biscuit we played possession hockey. The breakthrough moment came after ten minutes of the second half when a ball was smashed into the Roehampton circle and promptly deflected into the top left hand corner by Teabag who was lurking in front of the goalie.
At 3-0 we started cruising and were duly punished. A stray ball from midfield was pounced on by the Roehampton striker and they scored a breakaway goal.
Not to be outdone by this, ICHC restarted play with a flourish. A run from Strap-on down the left set up Teabag to get his second goal of the game and be accused of hat-trick avoidance.
The game finished with ICHC worthy winners and with extremely bright prospects for the season ahead, and dare I say it, promotion?
Final score: Roehampton University Men’s 1s 1-4 Imperial College Men’s 2s
Scorers:
Strap-on
Yellow Bag
Teabag x 2
