Having A Good Time
It is a condition of membership of The Club that everyone participating has, or at least attempts to have, a Good Time. Having a Bad Time is not allowed. If necessary, members shall be forced to have a Good Time through the judicious use of extreme force and violence. In the process of having a Good Time, alcohol will be consumed
Winning Competitions
Whenever a member of The Club shoots a higher score in a competition than any other participants in that competition, that member shall win said competition in the appropriate discipline. Whenever the combined scores of four members of The Club exceeds the combined scores of four members of any other club at a competition, The Club shall win the team prize in the appropriate discipline. Both of these will occur regularly. Upon winning a competition, alcohol will be consumed
New Members
Every year, The Club shall acquire many new members through a variety of means, including the Fresher’s Fair, word-of-mouth, and dragging random people off the streets kicking and screaming. In order to establish an appropriately level of commitment to The Sport, new members will be given a choice of taking either the Red Pill or the Blue Pill, represented in the form of red and blue Aftershock respectively. Those who choose the blue pill will stay in Wonderland, and will wake up the next day believing whatever they want to believe. Those who take the red pill will wake up in the Real World, where Archery IS Life. Those who drink both will find that everything around goes green, and the walls appear to be decoding. Unfortunately, this effect will wear off with time, until the new member acquires Invincible status (see Invincibility, below).
Elections
Elections for Committee positions within The Club shall be held annually at The Club’s AGM. Any full member of The Club can stand for any position, and an individual can stand for several positions if they so wish. However, no individual can hold more than one position at any one time and election to a particular position prevents an individual from standing for any other position. For full details of the election Procedures and Rules, please see the ‘real’ constitution.
In the event that only one individual stands for a particular position, the member shall be joined in standing by a small donut, purchased on the day of the AGM by the out-going Secretary. Members of The Club may vote for the donut in the same way as for the standing member. If the donut receives the majority of the votes, the donut assumes the relevant Committee position. The losing member shall then consume the victorious donut, assuming all it’s duties and privileges. During the Elections, alcohol will be consumed.
The Incoming Committee
It shall be the responsibility of The Incoming Committee to show their true dedication to both The Sport and The Club by consuming many, many alcoholic drinks including, but not limited to, cocktails of an assorted nature. In the case of non-drinking members, drinking particularly nasty combinations of fruit juice and milk will show true dedication. The out-going Committee, having shown true dedication simply through being alive after their tenure, are nonetheless required to celebrate their new lack of responsibility by matching the incoming Committee drink-for-drink.
Un-official Committee Positions and Responsibilities
Members shall be chosen to fulfill roles and duties outside the scope of those covered by the official Committee positions. Officers of The Club may hold these positions in addition to their official roles. These un-official positions include, but are not limited to:
- Sacred Supplier of Jelly Babies: At each competition The Club attends, an individual shall be charged on pain of death, to supply members with life-giving Jelly Babies.
- Recorder Of Silly Events: One member shall be required to record any and all Silly Events that occur in the process of pursuing The Sport. Both incidents that occur while shooting, and incidents that occur while in the pub shall be recorded. In order to fulfill the second requirement, the Recorder has the option to remain sober, but this is not encouraged.
- Supreme Master/Mistress of Driving: The person behind the wheel of the mini-bus. Complete and utter respect shall be given to the Supreme Master/Mistress, simply because he/she holds the life of everyone on the bus in his/her hands. No comments on the quality of driving shall be uttered, and screams of panic as the bus hurtles into oncoming traffic shall be kept to an absolute minimum. The Supreme Master/Mistress has complete control over the stereo, except in cases where a majority of the passengers request a song by Queen. Only 10 Britney Spears songs are permitted per journey.
- Commander of Getting To The Pub: Although this position should not be required the Commander is in charge of marshalling the troops, organising them into an appropriate formation, getting them safely to the target, and leading the attack on the bar. Casualties at the bar are expected for which the Commander will not be held responsible. Failure to reach the target however will be treated with the utmost seriousness.
All un-official Committee members will consume lots of alcohol, with the exception of the Supreme Master/Mistress of Driving. The Club and this Alternative Constitution do not condone drinking and driving.
Assuming the Position
Assuming the Position is defined as extending the left arm as if holding a bow, while simultaneously bringing the right hand to the chin as if at full draw, or vice versa for left-handed archers. The degree to which an individual Assumes the Position is to be determined by any members present when the offence is committed. Anyone deemed to have Assumed the Position in the vicinity of alcohol shall down their alcoholic drink. In the event that this drink has less than half of its original quantity, the offending member is required to buy and down another alcoholic drink. Deferment is allowed, but all offences must be paid in full.
Film Quotes
All members of The Club shall have extensive knowledge of quotes from many popular movies and TV shows which shall include, but is not limited to:
- The Matrix (1-3)
- Star Wars (1-6)
- Kelly’s Heroes
- Monty Python (series and films)
- Blackadder (all series)
Mistakes made in the uttering of said quotes may be attributed to the consumption of alcohol – if alcohol has not been consumed the member shall be shamed by being sent immediately to the bar without passing go (unless they need some more money)
Motto(s)
The Club shall have several Mottos. All members will be familiar with these Mottos, and shall use them wherever appropriate, and in fact wherever inappropriate. Club Mottos include: “Dodge this!” “There is no try.” “The first arrow goes into the gold. The second arrow kills the first. The third arrow kills them both.” The consumption of alcohol during the quoting of mottos is generally required
Swearing On The Line
No member of The Club shall swear, curse, or otherwise offer up a profanity while standing on the shooting line. This includes individual exclamations of irritation, for example “Grrr! Pants!”. A fine of twenty English pence shall be charged to any member who breaks this rule. Members are free to step back from the shooting line and swear to their heart’s content, often to the amusement of other members. Blasphemy is acceptable (see Religion, below). In severe cases of swearing a fine equivalent to a pint of beer or equivalent may me imposed.
Shifting the Blame
It shall be the full and total responsibility of the Captain of The Club to Shift the Blame. Wherever blame for an incident or problem may fall upon The Club or the Captain himself / herself, the Captain must find a way to shift the Blame, preferably on to an anonymous / un-complaining / foreign / extra-terrestrial source (see The Member Who Never Shows Up, below). Blame for the majority of incidents / problems can be easily shifted on to the Union, and should be done so as appropriate. All other officers of The Club are also encouraged to Shift the Blame for their particular area of responsibility. The conception of novel methods for shifting the blame through the consumption of alcohol is encouraged.
The Rifle Club
The Club shall have deep seated contempt for, and general dislike of, members of the ICRPC. This shall manifest itself as calling members of ICRPC silly names, laughing at their stupid choice of weaponry, threatening to shoot them with our superior weaponry, questioning their drinking abilities and correlating the size of ammunition used with the size of various body parts of the members of both clubs.
The Tomb of the Unknown Archer
The Unknown Archer shall be the remains of that individual who, upon waking up after a particularly drunken party, cannot identify themselves. Due to the haggard and hung-over state of the individual, no one else on The Team will be able to identify them either. The Tomb of the Unknown Archer shall stand as a monument to the folly of drinking large quantities of tequila. In memory of The Unknown Archer, large quantities of tequila shall be drunk.
The Member Who Never Shows Up
A Member who never shows up, shall be chosen annually, by members of The Club, from the current list of Full Members. The following criteria govern this choice:
- The Member signs up at the Fresher’s Fair.
- The Member attends the first session of the new academic year.
- The Member shows a moderate degree of ability.
- The Member professes a deep love of The Sport, and a desire to continue.
- The Member pays their membership fee in full, and supplies all appropriate information and references.
Following fulfillment of these criteria, the Member shall never be heard from again. Ever. They will not attend any subsequent sessions, nor will they respond to any e-mail messages. No one will ever see them, or hear of them from associates. Searches of College databases will turn up no evidence of their existence. In fact, the combined resources of several major Government Agencies shall be unable to find their whereabouts. Their membership fee will not be refunded. Any knowledge of the unknown Member claimed whilst consuming alcohol shall be immediately disregarded.
Hiding the Bodies
All members of The Club, with the exception of novices, shall help in Hiding the Bodies. A rota shall be drawn up, indicating which members shall be on hand to Hide the Bodies for any particular month. All members shall be encouraged to find new locations to Hide the Bodies, the consumption of alcohol to fuel the imagination is actively encouraged. Any member who tells the police the location of the Bodies, as part of a plea-bargain or other deal, shall soon find that they are one of the Bodies that need to be hidden.
Weddings
The Captain of The Club is hereby empowered to perform the ceremony of marriage (*). The Captain must not abuse this privilege, and cannot marry himself / herself to any member of The Club as a way to get them out on a date. The incapacitation of either the bride or the groom through the consumption of alcohol shall make the marriage null and void.
(*) Marriage only legal in former-Soviet state of Kyrgzstan.
Religion
Members are free to pursue their own religious beliefs without fear of ridicule or persecution. Invocations to any God(s) are acceptable on the shooting line, as are pre or post-shooting rituals, except where these take up too much space in the range or involve live sacrifices. However, the direct use of spells or charms on equipment with the intent of improving scores is considered to be bad form. Curses on other members of The Club are forbidden, however curses on other teams are actively encouraged.
Using The Force
All members of The Club shall, at some point, use The Force. This can take many forms, and differs according the individuals strength and abilities in The Force. Acceptable uses of The Force include, getting the **** arrow through the clicker when tired, maintaining back tension, and shooting golds through sheer bloody mindedness. Unacceptable uses of The Force include choking people for having a disturbing lack of faith and attempting to convert people to the Dark Side.
Apocalypse Contingency Plans
Alien Invasion
On the occurrence of an alien invasion in which all all gunpowder based projectile weapons and electronic technology have been neutralised archers will be the greatest hope for human survival. Hence all members of the ICAC past and present must make their way to Wilson House Sports Hall. The padlock to the cupboard will be broken with crowbars from Wilson maintenance. Arrows and club equipment will be distributed to members according to the following function:
rating = poundage*15 + MEAN(last 3 Portsmouth scores).
Those with the highest ratings will be given the most effective equipment.
Following distribution of equipment, the club will make its way to Quicks in West London to resupply and upgrade kit. From here the recapture of London and establishment of ICAC as the leaders of the resistance will follow in short order. At this point Much! alcohol will be consumed.
Vampire Apocalypse
All members will follow the Alien Invasion plan with a few small changes.
- Barebow and Longbow archers may no-longer be insulted for a silly choice of weaponry.
- Novices will be put to work making wooden arrows in Hyde Park.
- Alcohol will be consumed at shorter intervals to intoxicate any vampire successful in attacking a club member.
Invincibility
All officers of The Club, and appropriately selected members, shall be declared Invincible. This status allows them to drink alcohol in quantities that would kill an elephant, and not only remain (vaguely) upright, but also get up early the next morning after less than 5 hours sleep, eat a full breakfast, and shoot with normal or greater skill, before going to the pub and repeating the whole exercise. Team coaches are automatically declared Invincible.
This Constitution may be altered at any time and for any reason without recourse to a meeting of the club. Suggestions made while under the influence of alcohol will be considered, however the Web-master reserves the right to refuse any such contributions on the basis that he/she was p***ed and was talking out of their a***